No Fear

Fear has held me back from taking many risks in my life. I have probably missed out on many great opportunities that God had for me because I was too scared to walk through His open door. Instead, I planted my feet firmly and convinced myself that I was in the right place, that I was content, and that I was safe.

I remember meeting a young newlywed couple many years back. Stuart and I invited them over for dinner after they had visited our Sunday school class. They informed us that they were moving out of state in a month. They didn't have jobs in Phoenix yet, but they had always wanted to live there. It had always been their favorite place -- their dream. So, they were going. They were just going to quit their jobs, leave their security in Arkansas, pack up their stuff, and move to Arizona. They believed that things would fall into place once they got there. It would be an adventure, they said. At the time, I remember thinking that they were crazy. Who would do that? Wasn't it irresponsible? Shouldn't you have everything planned and lined up before moving across the country?

Since then, God has been working to change my perspective. It began when He peeled my tight grip off my life in Little Rock and slowly but surely changed my circumstances, so that I would have to let go. My church. gone. My job. gone. Stuart's job. gone. Close friends. gone. Little by little, we realized that God wanted a different future for us. We had been so intent on making our life work in that one place that we were missing the big picture.

Finally, we listened.

We left and followed God to a temporary job just 30 minutes away that has now led us to be in this community for five years. During this time, God has continued to teach me that He intends to bless us and give us jobs, relationships, ministry, children, financial provision, BUT (and this is important!), we must not hold onto anything too tightly. We must enjoy it for what it is, but we must always walk in close communion with God to know when He wants us to give up those items for something else. The minute that we feel that we can't surrender those things and that they control us, then they are no longer working for His glory anymore.

The biggest influence on my perspective occured in January 2007. My dad died. If you have never lost a parent, then it is impossible to explain how much of a void it creates, especially when you are only in your thirties, and you want so much to see your own children know their grandfather. I felt much too young to feel so alone in the world. This one event has changed me forever. For the first time, I really saw how fleeting this life is -- I really got it. I saw my father's influence during his final months of life when friends from all over the world contacted him and told him what a difference he had made in their faith and their walk with God by his years as a missionary and pastor. I heard testimony after testimony about how my father had made a difference. During that time, I realized that I wanted to make that kind of a difference with my life, and I wasn't. Sure, people would come to my funeral and miss me, but I wasn't leaving a legacy. Not a real one.

One direct result of Dad's death is that it stirred my heart and made me willing to have another baby. Somehow, Dad's death made me examine my motives, my priorities, and know that there was still a little girl out there that needed to be in our family. I trusted that God would give me the strength to go through another potentially high-risk pregnancy, and God was faithful to us. Sadly, Arden will never meet her grandfather until heaven, but she will know the story that she was born as a direct result of his life. She is a part of his legacy, and hopefully of mine too.

Life is short. There are too many people who accept mediocrity as enough because of fear. I've been one of them. As Nichole Nordeman sings, "So long status quo. I think I've just let go. You make me want to be brave. The way it always was is no longer good enough." I am thankful that God has been changing my heart, so that I am hungry for more. I want to live beyond mediocrity. I want to see life as an adventure, and not as something to fear. I want to be willing to risk enough to make a difference. I want to experience Arizona sometime.